9/1/10

well now hes saying its still plosible well get together.he doesnt want to push me away.he is still thinking it over.i have given him valid points in things to.hes very busy at work he says.thats cool with me i dont mind that.he just doesnt want to start something up while hes so busy with work.i am asumeing thats so he can give me some more attention and we can figuer things out a little better in the begining.now he hasnt garenteed we will start it up he just admits there is a chance.so there is hope there and i like that.i do feel strong feelings for him and feel like that missing peice of me is filled by him.i dont want to loose that but you know if we dont try then im gonna have to back off some and get my emotions differnt so i can find someone else.that will be for me depressing cuse something that makes me feel hole will in its own way be pulled away from me.im happy but theres this part of me that is afraid about if we do start up what itll be for me.relationships are hard for me cuse theres this thing about me that just wants to lock up so there will be no hurt in it if something happens.i guess its becuase iv had it happen before that i open up and let my locked up mind and open it to someone.then we ended up not working.i ended up hurt.see normaly im closed up tight all the time during a friendship until we know each other much longer and get close.this thing with him i felt compelled to be open to crawl out of my locked up shell and let him in as soon as i met him.one other person in my life has done that for me but there was reasons we couldnt be a couple mainly cuse hes gay.i felt i could be open with him and trust him with who i really am from the begining.there is a great bond i feel between him and i.he is like my brother and he is my mentor and my best friend.anyway its rare for me to feel like from the begining that this person i should open up with.that i can be me with this person.that i can trust them to have a peice of my heart that no one else should get.i mean even with ex's i slowly felt more comfortable with there was just something that kept me from completly comeing out of the shell.so i just kinda think me feeling like i can trust him and be me and open around him from the begining means he is supposed to be in my life.just like my best friend he is supposed to be in my life.im just hopeing this with my love intrest does start up and it works well for both of us and we can be something good for each other a strong couple that will work till death do us part thing.